


Paying Penance

by Little Grey Gargoyle (silasfinch)



Category: The Americans (TV 2013)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 13:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/Little%20Grey%20Gargoyle
Summary: A Russian Life and Marriage in Fragments.Elizabeth and Philip inhabit their final identities and try to survive in a country that is no longer their own.





	Paying Penance

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't seen all of season 6 yet so this may not be accurate.   
> Please be gentle as I am dyslexic.

 

  
  
**1\. Accents**

They need to adjust to speaking their native language again, no matter how trained, there is still the barest hint of Americanism in the shape of their vowels. Neither Nadezhda or Mikhail trust their status as honoured heroes to become complacent. Only a fool treats the status quo a certainty, especially when it comes the whims of the powerful and how many offshore accounts were in play at any given time.

It takes conscious effort and practice but soon there is no distinction between the mid-level government instructors and the grocer who hasn't gone further than Yugoslavia. Nadezhda is ambivalent when she starts recoiling the colloquialisms of post-war Smolensk that peppered her childhood.

"I'm starting to sound and look like my mother" she observes while critically examining new lines in the bathroom mirror.

"Better to look like one person than wearing a procession of faces and accents as we age. My scalp is still raw from hair plugs and dyes" Mikhail counters giving her shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

 

 

**2\. Boundaries**

To survive those horrendous free months, they need to establish firm boundaries. The biggest is that Paige and Henry must be mourned in solitude. They cannot adjust while drowning in grief and nostalgia for all the Jennings ability to withstand torture. The pain of contemplating the fate of the children is debilitating, which is not an available option in the early days if either snatched keepsakes before fleeing it aren't on display in the common areas or the bedrooms.

"We will mark they birthdays and the day we left" Mikhail declares softy.

"Why will we do that?" his wife asks bitterly.

"Because we cannot let our grief let us rot as our parents and grandparents did- in all but a name we must erase them from our lives. Therefore, we will mourn our children in the old way. " the words feel hollow, but it's too exhausting to argue.

When Paige's birthday arrives, it is almost a relief to sit and reminisce about time spent as a family before the role of parent got complicated, ice cream, parties and talent shows. It turns out that there is a tiny box of photos behind a false beard in the study. The periodic search for listening devices seems essential that day.

 

**3\. Characters**

Being in their homeland isn't nearly as liberating as Nadezhda once thought it would be. Ironically often enough she is playing more of a character than she was as Elizabeth Jennings, Suburban Mom from Washington DC. She wasn't lying when she said their identities become more real over time. However, there is individual freedom in only having to focus on one character and backstory.

The neighbours know the dangerous of idle conversation, so there is no need to exchange pleasantries about the weather or current events. Russia is changing but not so much that friendships form quickly. It is a relief not having to run a fake business or participate community bake sales.

Nadezhda still struggles to reconcile a Russia identity - war and the training of the KGB gave many opportunities for self-discovery or even to learn much about the country and communities the Center fought to save.

"If you weren't recruited - where would you be?" she asks one day while ironing his shirt.

"Probably a nameless street thug with more brute strength than common sense."

"No I can't see that - you would have found your way to the army like Misha" the speculation is pointless but a relief at the same time.

"and you, serving the party as a senior party official, keeping the wasteful spending and boasting in line?

'Something like that"

  
**4\. Diversions**

Neither of them has the temperament to be idle of for long, truthfully Nadezhda and Mikhail need a distraction from the silence of the large, well-furnished apartment. It's not like either of them has friends or family to reconnect with, The Center did an admirable job of erasing them from the common citizenry.

"We should pick up a hobby or something. How do you feel about getting a dog?"

"Our skill sets don't exactly translate well to knitting or panting. Our lives a still uncertain we can't abandoning an animal - it's not there are animal shelters."

It's a little ridiculous but running becomes the hobby, the type of leisure activity rather than running from gunfire or pursuit — footsteps in synch in the early morning hours when the nightmares make sleep impossible.

 

**5\. Equality**

Mikhail treats her like an equal partner in all things, both privately and publically. Its only natural with how difficult the adjustment has been but marital dynamics look different in Russia; few men are willing to differ to their wives publically, even if the women have great influence elsewhere.

"She's got steel in her bones, your wife," says the local grocer which something close to admiration.

"Nadezhda is strong; she needed to be" is his suitably vague reply.

She tentatively offers to play a more submissive role uncomfortable with attracting attention in such a way. Mikhail laughs and says that he wouldn't have her any other way and Russia full of independent woman no matter the persona.

  
**6\. Fragments**

Russia was never as stable as any of the successive power structures like to claim, the unifying language of 'Mother Russia' is a comfort and a command rather than a concrete reality. A pair of former operatives fresh from deep cover can see the divisions more than most. A desperate need to proof might and strength hangs in the air, from the brutal athletics academies to the propaganda. Alexei Morozov wasn't entirely wrong about the extremes, but the defectors like him couldn't see the redeeming qualities that remain.

"Great change is, but the heart of the Center will survive" Gabriel proclaims during an unexpected visit, bringing an update on the children and Stan's movements.

"Are we suppose to celebrate with Vodka?"

Nadezhda and Mikhail keep a safe distance between the former handler and the door, hidden weapons within reach.

 

**7\. Gratitude**

Nadezhda tries to express her gratitude to her husband and this new strange life in small ways. Americans were always so loud in expressing emotions, but in hindsight, she feels there is some benefit in this communication style. He gives up so much; a poor boy in post-war Russia new the value of possessions yet props surrounded the Jennings for various missions without laying claim to anything.

There is no reason not to have quality, comfortable clothes that will last a long time and stay long enough to get worn down and mended, suits and dress shirts that can survive temperamental Russian weather.

Nadezhda cares little for cars, but she knew her husband fell in love with the American style for a little while, so they discuss the merits of a car with all the latest features, one that is still no descript enough for a quick getaway.

Philip's love of sport wasn't entirely fabricated for the sake of Stan, and he misses the easy comradery of social games and the excuse to stay fit without life or death consequences. She researches local sporting leagues to find one that is the least little to report back. 

   
 **8\. Home**

Nadezhda and Mikhail do not expect to find a home again. In truth, the reason both of them were such good operatives is that home and communities were foreign concepts right from the beginning — any sense of belonging left when Paige chose to stay on the platform. Gradually this life becomes more than simple existence in much the same way it did in American close to 30 years ago.

The physical space is irrelevant, and the apartment comes pre-furnished, and the artwork is a generic scene of the Ural Mountains and the Baltic ports. The design is more practical than sentimental but its easy to clean and has more insolation than Mikhail's first three houses put together.

"I'll see you at home, have a good day darling." slips out almost absentmindedly.

"I'll pick up the dry cleaning on the way home."

"Do we need anything from the store?"

 

**9\. Incognito**

Nadezhda begins teaching self-defence and first aid at a local woman's hall. Hall is an overly generous term for a rundown structure that the local government no longer cares, an informal headquarters for helping the women who can no longer survive home environments - not quite street level but getting close.

She is under no illusions about her aptitude for teaching, but the need is there, and Arkady encourages returning agents to expand skills sets and outside interests.

"You need to cycle through ice and elevation, there is no need for a doctor if you protect the wrist from further injury." she finds that people are afraid to be away from work with so much competition for the few jobs.

"You are going to wear yourself out by making such flashy moves remember surviving is the key."

 

**10\. Justice**

Mikhail retains his idealism and hopes even in the face of Russia brutality.   
His whole body shakes with surprised rage when he sees how young the girls are who work the streets or the older man willing to take advantage, many younger than Paige and the agents being education training. It is pointless to remind her husband that American children were equally vulnerable, the perpetrators simply hid their actions more effectively.

Still, it isn't a surprise when one of the worst offenders ends up beaten and bloody with no ability to scout for future conquests. Banging his split knuckles is almost soothing in a way.

"You are foolish" she whispers before kissing his split knuckles.

 

**11\. Kindness**

Nadezhda tries to set and mark new milestones since birthdays and anniversaries have little meaning any more. He misses the American life fiercely but rarely complains or expresses an interest in changing the current set up: there are little things that make a difference, preparing a favourite stew with an inordinate amount of meat, extra thick socks for the icy mornings and news from a wider variety of sources.

"I love you" Nadezhda tries to say that more often now, there is absolute honesty in this stock phrase now.

The offering that seems to give him the most pleasure is intimacy with her, either in Russian or English. Evenings are spent swapping stories and opinions with no threat of interruptions or other identities to assume.

Mikhail is admiring the new watch that was a gift for both their anniversary and receiving a promotion at work. The face is bright and the silver a genuine quality. Her source knows not to off substandard merchandise. In tiny letters, she engraves the date of their arrival back in Russa.

"It's getting easier for you to say that out loud" he observes with a gentle smile.

"Yes"

 

**12\. Loneliness**

Nadezhda thought she had lost the ability to feel lonely long ago. There is room for loneliness when you sign up to marry a stranger and live in deep cover for decades. Her childhood was a good training ground for expecting minimal emotional payoff in life, Elizabeth falling in love with Philip is an exception to the rule. Now that there is no reason to socialise she rarely connects with anyone outside occasional lunchroom chats. As always Mikhail attracts colleagues and confidantes without even trying.

He pursues her to join a mixed social tennis club, and she finds herself enjoying the competitive aspect even if is something like Jennings family bowling. The old gunshot scars and torn ligaments protest the exsertion in winter, but training is satisfying.

A woman there lost two sons to the war, and they strike up a conversation about the latest grain harvest. Something close to friendship forms through the matches and coffee afterwards.

  
**13\. Meaning**

There is meaning in this new life even if it isn't the fulfilment that the Center promises all young recruits. Parents without children will always remember grief, and evidently, their circumstances are not unheard of though few got as far into training as Page and the unfortunate Jeremy. Privately Nadezhda never expected to survive a confrontation with the FBI or another branch of the American government so have a life to build with the man she loves is a luxury.

It is enjoyable utilising years of training to prosper in a Russia that is barely recognisable as a homeland, despite her ambivalence Nadezhda sees the advantage in maintaining international links, ready for when relations become less hostile. In a small way, it helps her stay connected to the children by following American news.

It is satisfying to watch Mikhail prosper at work and find roots here. He always found finding friends easy, which is why those final missions cost him so much.

It is a novelty to make long-term plans and know with a relative degree of certainty that nothing will interrupt them and certainly nothing involving a nuclear submarine or contaminated wheat.

"Feel like dusting off our travel agent skills and planning a vacation?" she asks one day.

 

  
**14\. Necessities**

Love and physical intimacy become a necessity rather than a luxury. It's also one of the few times the alternative identities are spoken of in whispered tones and kisses against familiar scars. There is no doubt about it either of them is pretending now, not with the emotional intensity and confessions. Whatever is going on outside the bedroom this time becomes an anchor point, especially when the memories become too much.

"I should have agreed to defect" the English feel strange in her throat.

"I was angry and bitter - defecting wasn't ever an option in practice not with a how valuable we were and how active the handlers were. Besides Paige and Henry deserve better than a life on the run."

Its often after sex that the guilt is at its sharpest and they talk about how different things might have turned if another path was available at any point their lives. It's not a matter of doing the 'right' thing; black and white thinking went around year 7 or 8,

  
**15\. Options**

When things get bad, they look for options both together and alone, when the minders become a little too demanding or intrusive on the whim of the next leader wanting to guarantee power. Mikhail and Nadezhda trust each other implicitly despite past, but they are survivors above all else. A nightgown and fluffy slippers aren't a likely future scenario whenever Gaberial, Claudia and Arkady like to claim. There is comfort in putting together 'Go Bags' and secret identities, its expensive and well worth the investment.

"We are running together. I'm not leaving you again" its more of a statement of fact than a question.

"I know."

Somehow these simple words feel more real than either of their first two wedding vows.

 

**16\. Priorities**

The safety of Paige and Henry is the only priority that matters. It's difficult to reconcile that the safest thing for the children is to stay away and keep a low profile. However, they can make small gestures such as wiring money into colleague funds and writing letters that may never be read. It gives a small measure of control to build an imaginary connection. Maybe one day she will be strong enough to send a recorded message just like her mother so long ago. The rezidentura can summon the resources to do that much at least.

"WIll they want to see us?"

"Henry will as always Paige is an unknown quantity. It depends on how much our lessons stick or if she comes under the influence of Stan and the former Soviet Division."

 

 

**17\. Quiet**

Nadezhda clings to her husband during the early hours of the morning, still not entirely familiar with the sounds of home. Children are by their very nature noisy be it skinned knees or temper tantrums. A house without homework, chores and the insistent cling of American TV is hard to comprehend. It is even different from her childhood with its communal living and a constant stream of visitors. Private quarters in Russia is a disconcerting status symbol.

"You were far kinder than I deserved in the beginning."

"and you were never as unlovable and icy as you believed yourself. Loving you is the easiest thing I have ever done, living with you sometimes no so much" he replies smoothly.

 

 

**18\. Resistance**

Nadezhda resists becoming a perfect instructor in small ways. The rebellions are small and not enough to cause permanent damage, but her female students appreciate the ability to report any abuse by other instructors. If the behaviour is unavoidable at least the psychological effects don't have to be. Mikhail struggles with fresh rage even as he helps to build practice dummies and plays the role attacker a time or two.

"Do not show fear and wait for revenge - men in power often become complicit, especially around a subordinate female."

"The key is to survive it doesn't matter what form that takes."

 

 

**19\. Solidarity**

Mikhail gets dangerously sick in the first winter. He isn't eating or sleeping well and has fallen into a listless depression common to many returning soldiers. Nadezhda is too business trying to improve his mood to notice when a cough becomes persistent and hacking. When she jerks awake to soaking sheets, the first thought is a residual nerve agent is becoming active. William's dire warnings on the state of biochemical warfare echo as she debates calling a doctor.

"Elizabeth!" he cries out in fevered dreams a mixture of English and Russian.

"I am here Philip I'm not going to leave you" she reassures over and over again as she wipes his brow and tries to coax gruel down his throat, he looks like Henry at that moment, young and scared.

"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to!"

An endless number of ghosts could be haunting his dreams, from innocent victims to unwitting marks. Although she is in no position to do so, she tries to offer absolution in the form of whispered words and gentle touches.

 

**20\. Trust**

The Center generously offers all returning 'illegals' psychological counselling and readjustment support. This resource is, of course, a thinly veiled opportunity to spy on people at risk of exploitation. Trust only goes so far when it comes the former KGB handlers and new agents. However, they still understand how to play the game and avoid attracting too much attention or concern.

  

**21\. Understanding**

The slow disintegration of the Soviet Union is at once a devastating upheaval and an anticlimax. The signs are all there for people who are willing to look, from the capital to the remotest forests. Mother Russia is crumbling under the weight of her complexity and thrust for power. Especially in the neighbourhoods populated by government workers. Nadezhda watches the disintegration with a strange level of detachment.

Russia, her father, deserted is a lie as is the fiction her mother spun.

The Russia she gave away her youth for no longer exists in a conventional sense nor does the Soviet obsessed American government.

This Russia might be survivable - the one that is becoming more open to former enemies and can no longer rely on such a centralised power structure and territories. The circumstances are far from perfect, but there are familiar patterns in the chaos and a desperate need for skilled liaisons.

 

**22\. Vows**

Mikhail vows that the Jennings family will be reunited again in some form or anything, even if the odds are firmly against them. Their children will not slip back into American life anonymously, and Stan Beeman will not hesitate to use live bait.

"It may take years, but we will see them again and offer apologies in person."

"How exactly is that going to go for Henry? Sorry, your entire life is a lie?"

There is no script or formula, but they work together on building something of a plan if the opportunity presents itself. Paige and Henry are resourceful they may even come after their parents independently, for love or angry remains to be seen. Words are hollow, but maybe it will be enough to start bridging the divide.

  
**23\. Wonder**

Privately Nadezhda doesn't expect their relationship to survive now that there is no mission of necessity binding them together. He loves her with this deep abiding tenderness but those last few months put their differences in stark relief once again.

The arguments, in the beginning, are brutal, nobody can hurt her like the man who knows all the weak points, Gregory and Hans are still raw nerves. He was so close to burning out long before the FBI and Stan forces flight - even with her efforts to offer a way out. Maybe he could resume an identity that suits him better no in America but somewhere else that doesn't conflict with his ideals.

No matter how hard things get, her husband stays.

"I tried being on alone and building a life without you. Both attempts were spectacular failures. I would be miserable in any other experience I was born for little else. You are my, not the shackle. I wasn't strong enough to tell you that before. Let me feel bleak and unreasonable; it will be better in the morning.

 

24\. Yoyo

The children in the neighbourhood look nothing like the youth of her childhood, they are in a wealthy area to be sure, but the sound of laughter and energy to play is still something of a novelty. Nadezhda scorns American children, but Russian children are no different when they aren't starving or neglected by traumatised parents.

There are far more orphanages and foster homes. Nadezhda wants to donate but does not trust the central government not to take a cut. A monthly parcel of non-perishables is an adequate substitute. It is a relatively simple matter to find black market sources for high-quality food without alerting anybody.

"Paige and her paster would be proud of us," Nadezhda says drily while packing cans.

 

 

**25\. Yearning**

Nadezhda surprises herself by missing American now and then. The absence of Page and Henry is an expected agony, endless and raw. She mourns both the past and the future together that never materialised — the dream that even she was foolish enough to believe in for a while. She never connects to American its abundance like the others did, certainly not in pathetic way Alexei Morozov falls for the lies. Her hatred cools as the children, but her emotions are more complicated when they leave America.

"I miss the bach sometimes" she whispers over dinner for no reason at all.

"I miss seeing healthy animals" she observes after they watch a stray dog struggle to stay warm.

"I miss listening to genuine debate" after a state-sanctioned broadcast.

Communicating fears and vulnerabilities openly doesn't get any easier, but the payoff is in her husband's tender smile and encouraging words.

 

**26\. Zenith**

In the end, all their planning and subterfuge is a waste of resources. Domestic and International forces have more critical dilemmas than the actions of two former agents no matter how high profile. It takes a minimal amount of evasion and false identities. The regional infrastructure is still in such a state of chaos that the movements will take weeks to get back to Moscow.

"You know there is a chance Stan and a team will be shadowing them?" Mikhail asks softly as he helps her dress with shaking hands.

"Its worth the risk."

  
By then Mikhail and Nadezhda will be accounted for and maintaining a respectful distance from frontline action. This connection isn't going to be a permanent reunion or reconciliation. The children are young American adults now, the chasm between the two ideologies is too vast, but perhaps Nadezhda will know her future grandchildren more than her mother.

Mikhail almost breaks her hand (weak from many beatings) with the intensity of his hold as two familiar strangers walk up the path of the safe house.   
  
"I missed you, Mom."

Henry's whispered words mean everything as he pulls her into a fierce hug. For the for the moment at least there is a sense of home.


End file.
